Dan Bialek Loves Kittens

Here’s a quick tour of the sundry questionable goods on sale at my local CVS Pharmacy.

GIANT $50 URN PLANTER THINGIES

The only people I ever see at this store are super old or immigrant women with tons of kids. Neither of whom are fit to lug these things off the property let alone waste fifty bucks on them.

CABO GEAR “BEVERLY HILLS” MARLIN TANKTOP

Is this supposed to celebrate Cabo San Lucas Mexico? Beverly Hills, California? Sport fishing?

Nobody would buy this. And if they did they shouldn’t be allowed to have money, or at least not leave the house with it.

COWBOYS & INDIANS MAGAZINE

An article on “Favorite Famous Horses.”

Unless they’re the ones Robert Duvall has had sex with I couldn’t give a shit less.

BEVERLY HILLS SLEEP SHIRT WITH BUILT-IN POCKETS

Why not just hang a gun around your neck with a little tag hanging off of the trigger that reads, “I give up.”

BLUE RUBBER HOOKER DISMEMBERING GLOVES

Considering all of the weirdos, degenerates and crackpots who frequent this section of Hollywood I really don’t think these an appropriate item to make so readily available to the general populace.

SLAP CHOP FOOD PREPARATION UTENSIL

I’m worried Vince still gets a cut of money from every one of these sold. He’s just going to use the money for meth and prostitutes. We shouldn’t be enabling him.

MAGIC GROW SUPER SNAKE TOY

Snakes freak me the fuck out and we shouldn’t be teaching kids to think of them as playmates. They are enemies and the reason God kicked us out of the Garden of Eden. We should never forget this fact.

OLD SPICE PRO STRENGTH DEODORANT

If you have “pro strength” pit sweat/stink you should probably be saving up money to have your armpits amputated not wasting your cash on this shit.

WRINKLE FREE EYE PATCH HOME FACELIFT KIT

Don’t come crying to me when you stupid face falls off and you have to go around looking like Skeletor from the He-Man cartoon series for the rest of your life.

On second thought, please come crying to me so I can take a picture of you, put it on my blog and make fun of you.

3-RING POOL

That’s just what my kids need — a kiddie pool pre-filled with urine.

Might as well say “Send In This Coupon For An Unlimited Supply Of Scabs, Used Band-Aids and Infantigo” on the side of the box.

JUMBO UNIVERSAL REMOTE

Remotes like these mock the old and infirm and are a constant reminder of their impending death.

Besides, all they really need is for a relative or neighbor to come by once a week and make sure the set is turned up to its highest volume setting and is tuned to whatever channel shows “The Price Is Right” in the morning and “Matlock” reruns in the afternoon.

INFLATABLE SPRINKLER GLOBE

Teaches kids about wasting natural resources while an instilling a weird planetary scat fetish.

A win-win product.

TNT PARTY CENTER

One time I accidentally shot one of these things off in my wife’s face in the backseat of her parents’ car on New Years Eve and she got super pissed off at me. If my kids ever come visit me in some “Back To The Future” scenario this will be the brief one-hour period when their hands and limbs start disappearing because my wife was thinking of leaving me and possibly fucking a rapey dude named Biff.

SMOKELESS ASHTRAY

Fuck you, if you’re going to smoke then smoke. Don’t let this faggoty thing ruin and pussify your lame-ass poker night. The fact that you have a “poker night” will already do that for you.

BRAZILIAN BIKINI WAXING & SHAPING KIT

If you’re going to go ahead and dump burning hot semi-viscous solids onto your private parts at least get a professional to do it. None of your roommates or loved ones want to slather and/or rip this stuff off of your sweaty, battered vag. I assure you.

CAPERS & SUN DRIED TOMATOES

Up yours, CVS. What you think you’re better than me because you’ve started selling fancy pants specialty garnishes? Fuck you. And, no, I won’t go to sleep and, no, I’m not drunk.

DOGGGERS KNOCK-OFF CROCS SANDALS

The only way these things could be more tacky and ugly is if they were made of brick-oven baked bulldog feces.

Earlier today I left the Best Buy store in West Hollywood holding a video game that I probably couldn’t afford paid for with a credit card that I definitely won’t be able to pay off anytime soon.

As I walked up the machine that validates your ticket for the parking garage I noticed that someone had left their brand new XBox 360 250GB on top of the machine. I looked around and there was nobody anywhere nearby that I could see. So, I picked it up and carried it back up the escalator and into the Best Buy store.

I handed it to the dude working behind the greeter stand at the front door and told him what had happened.

He looked at me and said, “You’re so dumb. Why wouldn’t you just take it? Why would you do this?”

No bullshit. That’s exactly what he said.

I answered, “I don’t know. Maybe because I don’t believe in god and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to burn in hell but I still want to be a good person. Fuck, I don’t know. It’s somebody else’s pretty nice $300 thing that isn’t mine and they’ll probably be really sad when they realize that they’ve lost it.”

The guy hemmed and hawed a little and then said, “Well, we can leave it up here and if nobody comes back for it we can… Wait, you don’t have a receipt for it, so…”

I stopped him right there.

It was pretty obvious that this dipshit was going to put the console under the counter until the end of his $8-an-hour shift and then take it home and keep it for himself.

At that point I didn’t even care. I had done the right thing and the universe had laughed in my face and called me a moron for doing so.

I left the store and drove home feeling like a complete piece of shit for doing what I am still certain was the right thing.

Goddamnit.