Dan Bialek Loves Kittens

Here’s a short clip of me earlier tonight at the Comedy Store.

I’m performing in cargo shorts with a haircut that makes me look like a metrosexual ewok. Jesus, is that embarrassing.

As promised, here’s a larger, better-quality photo of the scummiest lawyer billboard in the world.

And, look, se habla espanol.

Ugh.

What have I done that was so bad that now I have to see this guy’s retarded, pock-marked face every time I login to check my MySpace account.

Not to mention YouTube, Defamer and every other time-wasting website that I look at throughout the day at work.

Dane Cook, just go the fuck away. No matter how many times you implore me via 30-second .swf pseudo video blogs you’ll never get me to pay $12 to see you in Waiting 2 next weekend.

Here are the four most popular video stories featured on CNN.com as of 12:30 PST on September 28, 2006:

A porn star who got less than 2,000 votes in the last gubernatorial election and who from the looks of it got wasted at a Hollywood nightclub and boned a shady rapper dude earlier this week.

A man on a fake news program ripping CNN.com to shreds and ending his piece with a fat man in jockey shorts rubbing his balls onto an image of their lead reporter’s face on a tv screen.

A squirrel with RABIES! (This would make great B-roll footage if Will Ferrell ever makes Anchorman 2.)

Ryan Seacrest narrowly outsmarts the guy who made trucker hats and being slightly dumber but better looking than your mentally-challenged fraternal twin brother popular.

Hats off to you, CNN.com. You’ve got your finger on the pulse of the American zeitgeist. Well done.

I did a show at a bar in Glendale tonight. A group of five or six girls who referred to themselves as “a bucket of titties” sat right in the front. During my ten or twelve minutes on stage I don’t think I ever got to doing a single actual joke. It was just a lot of crowd work and trying to shut the lead/drunkest girl up by embarrassing her into silence. This proved impossible.

I grew bored wasting my set on Drunkie McWouldn’tShutTheFuckUp so I started talking to the other girls sitting with her. Apropos of nothing, she stood up, pulled open her jeans and pointed to her groin while shouting, “Look, it’s shaved!” three or four times.

I’d say we have a good ten, maybe fifteen, years left as a species before evolution does away with us completely. Maybe the monkeys and the dolphins will do a better job running the planet. We were just a bunch of hairless (and sometimes shaved) assholes and I doubt we’ll be missed.