I went down to the Chinese Theater last night and saw the new X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie on opening night. The theater was only about 85% full for the 8:30pm showing which was a bad sign to begin with. Then I was seated two rows behind the only young African American male I’ve ever seen at a movie calling out things during the previews that weren’t funny. Another harbinger for bad things to come.
Long story short, X-Men Origins: Wolverine is a long, boring pile of crap. The dialogue is terrible, the story is boring, there’s way too much exposition (telling instead of showing) and the fight scenes are lame.
Although Hugh Jackman promised a more angry, violent and animal-like Wolverine in this movie — he lied. Jackman’s Wolverine spends most of the movie brooding, pouting and kneeling down on tree stumps and concrete floors about to cry.
Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine is a big, sad, boring, pouty pussy.
Here’s a quick rundown from the poster above (SPOILER ALERT):
Ryan Reynolds/Deadpool - The first time since Van Wilder that I didn’t like Ryan Reynolds in a movie and wished his character would have his face burned off and mouth sewn shut. Then when this actually happened in this film I still didn’t feel they went far enough.
Taylor Kitsch/Gambit - Had kind of a 1993 Brad Pitt mullet going and almost pulled it off. Not the worst character in the movie. But also really didn’t need to be in the movie at all except to give Wolverine a ride in his crappy seaplane.
Hugh Jackman/Wolverine - Go back to starring in Broadway musicals. They suit you, you dong fairy. (A dong fairy is someone who flies around at night leaving quarters under little boys’ erections after playing with them.)
Liev Schreiber/Sabretooth - Liev Schreiber your portrayal of Sabretooth reminded me of a gay vampire on steroids. Maybe you should audition for Twilight 2. I hate you so goddaman much. Didn’t you try to assassinate the president in a movie. Can’t we get you convicted and executed (or at least deported) based solely on that evidence alone.
Lynn Collins/Kayla Silverfox - You are super hot. I’m sorry that you were in this crappy movie. If you want to make out with me to help you forget about it I’m totally down. Hit me up on Facebook.
Not Featured In Poster:
Will.i.Am/John Wraith - Fuck you, Will.i.Am, for messing up two things that I was throughly looking forward to — Obama’s Inauguration Night and this movie. I hope the next time you’re on CNN they holobeam you up a rhino’s ass.
